Turtles

When I was a kid I always used to be fascinated with turtles,
I was always intrigued by their shells:
I never knew quite how they tied into the whole scenario.

Can they retract into their shell?
How long in there can they dwell?
Is a shell made of skin or of bone cells?
Does a turtle know that it has a shell? How can it tell?
If you drop a rock on a turtle's shell, will it crack?
Can they leave their shells, go for a walk, and come back?

In science class as I grew older I learned about the creatures
"The turtle, like the tortoise is one with the shell," taught my teachers,
But they never taught us of the interesting features,
They never answered the interesting questions
So I checked some books out of the library and had a few sessions
Of reading of turtles under my covers with a flashlight
While the laughter of other kids echoed 'till twilight.
Turtles for me became a manic, even zealous obsession,
As I grew into adolescence and a jealous depression.
I envied the essence of the turtle's tenacity
And I hoped with voracity that I could find the capacity
To be like the turtle.

I tried to mimic the turtle's sagacity and brilliance,
and most of all I coveted its resilience.
I tried through high school to be like the turtle
While the fields of freindship were fertile,
The fruits of youth ripe for the taking,
I tried to foster relationships forsaking
The quaking of my body that left me feeling ill.
Despite my shaking I tried to be still.
I took social interaction like I would take a pill
(If I could swallow pills, which at the time I could not)
Eventually in my web a few friendships were caught
But it was not before long that they started to rot.
I tried to stay strong, shoulders out, back taut.
Again and again I fought my rejection
Only to be each time frought with dejection.

A vast distance existed between me and everyone else.
I felt that I could go outside in public and yell loud
And be heard by not a single soul in the crowd.
No matter how I tried each day to not be alone,
I would find each day that the distance had grown.

I tried to be like the turtle, to try to be well,
But each time I fell I would retract back into my shell.
It's so difficult to make myself vulnerable without feeling gullible once it's all over.
I don't know about turtles, but it didn't take a rock to make my keratinous carapace crack.
I don't know about turtles, but if I could I would leave my shell and never come back.